Welcome to the first Wednesday Grab-bag! Our inaugural segment is CELEBRITY SORTING HAT, because while my self-esteem may not be great, I am 100% sure I am correct about anyone I sort, fictional or otherwise and I will physically fight you about it. This first edition is POP DIVA PREFECTS. These are the artists whose public personas most represent the prized qualities of each house. Obviously, I can’t speak to their private lives because Rihanna and I are not best friends (yet).
GRYFFINDOR: AZEALIA BANKS
Gryffindors are brave, but with that bravery comes a certain amount of self-righteousness. Azealia is not afraid to speak her mind, for better or worse. Like most Gryffindors, she has a rigid sense of justice and when someone disagrees, her instinct is fight first, ask questions later. A Gryffindor is ready to throw down, 24/7. Gryffindors are also fiercely independent, and Azealia is no exception. When she felt her label was being too controlling, she took action. She got out of her contract, found a boutique operation that would give her creative control, and released an album that was entirely her own. If The Quibbler was right about Sirius Black being a rockstar, I’m entirely sure that’s how his debut album would have come out, and you can’t convince me otherwise.
HUFFLEPUFF: NICKI MINAJ
Hufflepuffs are caring, loyal, hard-workers, and who more embodies the badger spirit than Nicki “stay in school and believe in yourself” Minaj? She’s protective and supportive of her fanbase, and, if you’ve seen footage of her hanging out, you know she is an Olympic gold medalist level friend. Like any Hufflepuff, she’s “unafraid of toil.” Nicki has never once phoned it in on her features or her albums, and she knows it. Nicki is basically the Cedric Diggory of music and I would absolutely vote her Hogwarts Champion.
RAVENCLAW: KE$HA
First of all, duh, Ke$ha famously has an IQ of 140, near-genius levels. But her intelligence isn’t just a number; she very clearly knows what she’s doing as a musician. Ke$ha has written dozens of perfect pop songs. She’s mastered the formula of a hit and she’s been incredibly smart about her image. She celebrates pop and she never tries to be something she’s not. She’s willing to be flawed and human in a way that someone like, say, Beyonce or Lady Gaga is unwilling or unable to be. Like classic Ravenclaw badass Luna Lovegood, Ke$ha seems unbothered by what people think of her. She’s just having fun exploring the mathematics of pop. She’d also probably be bangin’ at answering the riddles to get into the common room, but I'll be honest, I have no hard evidence to back that up.
SLYTHERIN: TAYLOR SWIFT
Slytherins are ambitious and savvy. They understand the industry and they understand the power and importance of public image. Taylor is a PR master. Consider her latest album 1989, which is full of tracks where she takes the media’s perception of her and weaponizes it (Blank Space) or celebrates it (Shake It Off). This is a powerful flex, and one only a true Slytherin would attempt. Taylor has embraced her Brand. She’s so in control of her image that she always looks like a Modcloth photo shoot coming FROM the GYM. That is awareness and planning, two key Slytherin strengths. She’s already conquered country and pop. Within a few months of moving in, she became the “Global Welcome Ambassador of New York,” which is basically a made up position that just means they’ve already accepted her as their overlord. I have no doubt that Taylor would be Slughorn’s number one Slug Club recruit halfway through her first year. She’s trying to trademark “nice to meet you, where you been” for fuck’s sake, the girl knows how to capitalize. Get it, Tay Sway.
(In Pop Diva Hogwarts, Beyonce is Head Girl, obviously, and a Slytherin. Rihanna is a Huffepuff. Britney is a Gryffindor. Lorde is a Ravenclaw. Ariana Grande is a Slytherin. Lady Gaga is a Slytherin. Lana del Rey is a Slytherin. Unsurprisingly, pop music is pretty heavy on Slytherins.)
Want me to sort somebody?
Just leave a comment, send a note
I’ve never yet been wrong.
I’ll have a look inside their minds
and tell you where they belong.
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