Sorry it's been a little slow in the past couple weeks. I just moved back to New York, after a year away, and things got a bit hectic.
I left New York for a lot of reasons, some practical and some emotional, and I regretted it nearly every day since. There's something about this city. Even when it feels awful and impossible and unfeeling, it still feels right to me. It's not for everyone, but this is where I feel right. The second I saw the skyline on my drive back up, I felt settled. Baltimore will always be home. New York is something else. It's more of a relationship I chose, a home I married into.
Things are still calming down from the move. I still have a lot of things to get in order and a lot of feelings to sort through, so things might continue to be slow for a little while longer, but I can at least scrape out time for a jam of the week.
This song was in heavy rotation for me around the time I started thinking about leaving New York. When I would listen to it, I inevitably felt like I could never leave, like everything that was wrong about being in New York was still right. The dissatisfaction and the disappointment and the fear, all of that is part of it. It's part of what I love so much, honestly. It's like the ache of a well-exercised muscle. I'm the kind of person who likes when things are a little bit hard, because that lets me know I'm working, moving, trying.
"In a Big City" by Titus Andronicus is about moving to New York. It's about making mistakes and owning them, about feeling directionless and wrong, about feeling independent and strong. It feels frank and triumphant. It feels like my first years in New York and I hope it feels like my next years in New York. I've been listening to it a lot as I re-settle, mentally and physically. It's the best way I can describe the feeling of this past week.
So, hopefully, we'll be back on track with more regular content in the next week or so. Also, now that Game of Thrones has wrapped up for the season, there's space for another weekly TV recap. If you have a show you'd like us to discuss on a weekly basis, let us know in the comments or by e-mail at thefilterfeed@gmail.com.
And now, part two of the Rap Game of Thrones! You can find the first part here, where we matched up the Baratheons, Lannisters, and Starks with their hip-hop equivalents. Today, we'll discuss the rest.
MISCELLANEOUS:
DAENERYS TARGARYEN is BEYONCE
Both of these women inspire rabid, fanatic devotion, and both of them are crippled by a need to be perfect. Daenerys and Beyonce are both myths, more perfect than any real human woman could possibly be. Beyonce manages her image by policing which photographs of her are allowed to see the light of day and Dany does it by riding fucking dragons, but essentially, they both have to present themselves as goddesses among us at all times, never allowed to show weakness. They are also the two ladies in their respective worlds with the most power (even though her subjects are rioting and aren't in Westeros, Daenerys still has more power/respect/followers than Cersei, let's be real). Who run the world?
Signature Song: Run the World (Girls)
KHAL DROGO is DMX
And the Ruff Ryders are his khalisar. DMX is a dude who can party and brawl as well as any Dothraki horde, but he also has a softer side (see: his cover of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer), just like Drogo eventually revealed his sweeter impulses when he found out he was a daddy-to-be.
Signature Song: Ruff Ryders Anthem
BRIENNE OF TARTH is ANGEL HAZE
Brienne and Raeen Rose have both had a tough time of it. The worlds they move in don't like blends of masculine and feminine (or, really, anything remotely feminine at all) but both have battled their way into their chosen fields, earning respect and admiration, and learning how to shake off negativity. Both are badasses, and both could absolutely kick your ass.
Signature Song: Battle Cry
BRONN OF THE BLACKWATER is PITBULL
Bronn and Pitbull are both dudes who are down to have a good time. Like Pitbull, a lot of Bronn's best work are features. Whether he's teaming up with Jaime or Tyrion or random imprisoned Sand Snakes, Bronn can go with the flow and create an engaging scene with almost any character you pair him with, just like Mr. Worldwide turns out hit after hit, regardless of who he's featuring or being featured by. Mostly though, both dudes seem like they have no greater ambition than to hang out, party, make some money, and above all, have fun.
Signature Song: Time of Our Lives
OBERYN MARTELL is LUDACRIS
Another character who loves a good time is Oberyn Martell, but unlike Bronn, Oberyn has a darker side. When he's been wronged, he'll get his revenge, and he'll let you know he's coming. Ludacris is a rapper who has great party/sex songs ("Shake Ya Tailfeather," "What's Your Fantasy") as well as great fight-me songs ("Move Bitch," "Get Back," etc). In addition, Oberyn's vengeance campaign is spurred by threats against his family. Oberyn's allegiance to his sister and her children, to Dorne and his family in general, is unshakable. Know who else is all about family? The crew in TheFast and the Furious franchise. Know who makes a late appearance in those movies? That's right. Luda.
Signature Song: Pimpin All Over the World
MARGAERY TYRELL is NICKI MINAJ
Margaery, despite the events of this season, has proven herself to be a savvy, ambitious player in the game of thrones. She's been able to switch up her style as needed to get where she wanted to go. Nicki Minaj is just as versatile. Her early mixtapes got her attention for her skills as a rapper and her later albums have explored pop and R&B, dipping into other popular genres to solidify her place at the top of the Billboard charts. Just killing it on the rap charts isn't enough for Nicki, just like being a queen wasn't enough for Margaery. Both of these ladies want to be the queen, and both of them get what they want.
Signature Song: Beez in the Trap
OLENNA TYRELL is MISSY ELLIOTT
Back in the day, Missy was a force to be reckoned with. She was one of the biggest female rappers of all time, and she forged powerful alliances with artists like Timbaland, Aaliyah, Lil Kim, and Mary J. Blige. Olenna is also a lady who knows how to play her cards right. Back in her day, Olenna was making big moves and working her way up to becoming the matriarch of one of the biggest families in the realm, but now she's mostly a mentor to her granddaughter and a behind-the-scenes power player. These days, Missy is discovering and mentoring new artists, (eg. Tink, Sharaya J, etc), and helping to shape the future of music. Another thing these two badass dons have in common is that when I see them unexpectedly on my screen, whether it's on HBO or at the Super Bowl, I get super excited, because you know they're about to make everyone else look like a dummy.
Signature Song: Work It
PETYR BAELISH is SUGE KNIGHT
Suge Knight is one of the most terrifying people in the rap industry. He may do most of his biggest moves behind the scenes, but that just makes him even more dangerous. Over his career as a producer/executive, Knight has been implicated in a number of crimes that were never proven, most notoriously the murders of Biggie and Tupac, two of raps greatest kings. Baelish has a few regicides under his belt as well and, like Knight, prefers to do his work behind the scenes, manipulating others. Knight and Baelish also share an impulsive temper, Suge's leading to multiple charges of aggravated assault and Baelish's leading to Lysa's dramatic moon door exit. Neither dude is someone to fuck with lightly.
Signature Song: NA
MELISANDRE is FATHER
The experience of listening to Father was once described as "sonically the equivalent to being baptized in malt liquor by a topless high priestess," which, to me, sounds exactly like the sexually-charged religious vibe Melisandre gives off. Father is the de facto leader of Awful Records, just like Melisandre heads up the team for the Lord of Light. Both of them are strong leaders with a mystic, culty feel. Father's music is dark, sexy, violent, and clever. Like Melisandre, his nights are dark and full of terror (and also sex).
Signature Song: Who's Gonna Get Fucked First?
RAMSAY BOLTON is EMINEM
This feels pretty obvious. Both are psychopaths. Even in a genre where misogyny is the norm, Eminem's lyrics raise eyebrows. Ramsay, even on a show of rapists and murderers, still somehow manages to distinguish himself. And yet they're both talented. Eminem does interesting things with his lyrical style and his flow is great. Ramsay has proven himself in politics and on the battlefield. That talent is what makes them scary. Ramsay used his considerable intelligence and creativity to completely destroy Theon Greyjoy; Em used his to write "Kim."
Signature Song: Kim
HODOR is JASON DERULO
This is self-explanatory.
Signature Song: 57 Minutes of Jason Derulo Singing His Own Name
As expected, we jumped around a lot in last night's season finale, but we didn't actually get a lot of closure. "Mother's Mercy" left us with a lot of questions, some bigger than others. Let's recap what went down last night and indulge in some extremely premature guessing about what we can expect in season six. Hopefully the wild speculation will keep us warm in the long, cold winter of hiatus.
DORNE:
Let's kick it off, again, by getting Dorne out of the way, hopefully for the last time. Maybe I've been harsh with the Dorne plotline. I mean, if nothing else, the scenes were great times for bathroom breaks. I guess the big payoff we've been building to here was Jaime coming out to his daughter-niece, and that was a touching moment... for the thirty seconds it lasted. (We could have a conversation here about another young girl dying to further a grown man's story, but I'm sorry, I'm just so tired. We all know it's kinda fucked up.) It was nice that she picked up Dorne's liberal social attitudes during her semester abroad. Maybe everyone on this show would chill out if they just spent a season in the water gardens. Just please, don't make me watch it. I've sat through a person called Sandra Sand the Sand Snake saying "you want a good girl but you need a bad pussy" once and I don't think I have the strength to do it again.
Ellaria and the Sand Snakes end their disappointing season with a win, as Ellaria defies Doran by giving Myrcella the Poison Ivy treatment, but you can't imagine it's going to be much longer-lived than Ellaria's victim herself. Doran was pretty clear there would be no second chances. Ellaria is going to have to run for it or die. There's also the political tension between Dorne and King's Landing to consider, but that's not a much more exciting prospect, especially considering King's Landing has bigger, more fundamentalist problems. I'm more interested in how the reunion between Jaime and Cersei is going to go. We've seen Cersei utterly lose it when Joffrey died. How bad is the blowback going to be when her only daughter gets assassinated by a gang of foreign lady-bastards? We also know Jaime is a romantic at heart, in his own incestuous way. How is he going to like hearing that Cersei was stepping out with Lancel? Cersei and Jaime, despite all their mistakes and sins, are characters we care about, which is more than can be said about any of these gold-clad, inconsistently accented strangers from Dorne.
KING'S LANDING:
Speaking of Cersei, let's give it up for this season's MVP, Lena Headey. Cersei's long walk back to the Red Keep was the physical embodiment of Headey's season five performance. Headey bared it all with vulnerability and dignity. Over the course of the show, she has given a character who could have been an utterly loathsome villain complexity and pathos. Even die-hard Cersei haters must have felt at least a twinge of sympathy for her as she held her head high to fight her way back to her son. Plus, I'm pretty sure those scary nuns shaved her pubic hair with a blunt-looking straight razor, which sounds like a nightmare nobody deserves.
Cersei endures it all and arrives upright, but quickly breaks down once the doors are shut. Luckily, FrankenQyburn's there with his newly gold-plated Six Million Golden Dragon Man. The Mountain 2.0 is introduced with an ominous new backstory: he's taken "a vow of silence" until the Lannisters' enemies have been dealt with. He's as imposingly big as ever and his new smoky eye look seems dangerous, but the High Sparrow is no slouch and he has a city full of cannon fodder faithful for his enemies to hack their way through, so even "Ser Strong" probably won't be enough to prop up the crumbling Lannister regime for long. My one complaint about the conclusion of this season's events in the capital is: what about Margaery??? Olenna's move may have been a strong retaliatory blow, but what does she have cooking to free her grandchildren? Anything? But we'll have to wait until next season for any resolution on the Tyrell kids, or to find out whether or not Tommen ever puts on his big boy pants and at least gives the whole running-the-kingdom thing a solid five minute try.
MEEREEN:
Meanwhile, in Meereen, somehow everyone made it out of the stabfest in the fighting pit and now Daenerys's boys are left sitting in her empty pyramid missing their khaleesi. In the absence of their queen, the guys have devolved pretty quickly into petty in-fighting, arguing over who has the best skills and who loves Daenerys the most. Eventually, it's decided that Tyrion will take over the ruling of the city, with ample help from Grey Worm (someone the people respect) and Missandei (someone Daenerys trusts). I like this plan! I'm kind of shocked that Daario, whose main advice up to this point has been "if you don't like it, stab it," is the brains behind the decision, but sure, fine, it's entirely possible I just care so little about him as a character that I don't fully get the nuances of his political theories. The best part about this is Varys showing up like a 75th minute super sub, ready to revitalize a flagging team. His connections plus Tyrion's experience, Missandei's knowledge of the people, and Grey Worm's popularity and military background actually make me hopeful that someone might actually manage to put out the dumpster fire that is Meereen next season. While The Dream Team is working on that, however, Daario and Jorah are going on a pissing contest of a roadtrip to find their missing queen. I'm significantly less excited to see how that turns out.
Daenerys, meanwhile, is stuck back where she started, in the middle of a swarm of possibly-antagonistic Dothraki. Drogon's looking a little worse for wear, so Dany better hope these guys are friendly. Given that she's the widow of a rival khal, it's not looking good, but Daenerys won over a Dothraki horde once, maybe she can do it again. It'll be interesting to see her repeat this part of her journey, after all the ways she's grown since season one.
BRAAVOS:
Someone else revisiting the ghosts of season one last night was Arya, who finally avenged her swordmaster, Syrio Forel. Her execution of Meryn Trant is brutal and inelegant, more of a vicious shanking than an assassination. She stabs his eyes out, she perforates his lungs a whole bunch, and she slits his throat, all with the help of a face borrowed from the House of Black and White's big hall of corpse skins. While it was exciting to see Arya finally making some headway on her hit list, the satisfaction, like all pleasurable feelings on this show, was short-lived. Jaqen catches her returning the borrowed face, and he's not impressed. She killed the wrong person, he says, so someone else has to die. As nasty as The Thin Man is, I'm not stoked on a god who thinks he's more murderable than Trant, who spends some of his final moments getting off on smacking around young girls. In fact, between the Mother's so-called mercy, the Lord of Light's abandonment, and the Many-Faced God's fucked up priorities, this episode wasn't a particularly good look for any of Westeros's gods.
Because Arya went rogue, Jaqen drinks poison to balance the life she stole from the Many-Faced God. Arya is upset, but she forgot who she's dealing with. Someone with Jaqen's face emerges to stand over the corpse and monologue about faces and poisons while Arya goes blind. I don't expect this to set Arya too far back, because she's a determined and resourceful person who has lost worse than her eyes. What I am curious about is what this means for her training at the House of Black and White. Is she going to stick around? Or is a god with a very literal eye-for-an-eye policy too much to deal with, despite the training the endless parade of Jaqens can offer? Will they even want to continue training her after her infraction? Either way, I think this bodes well for next season. No matter where she goes, no matter whether or not her blindness is permanent, this event is going to change Arya. Unlike the rest of her family, her consequences for leaping without looking weren't fatal; she still has a chance to learn from this.
WINTERFELL:
Things are also looking up for Sansa, hallefuckinglujah. As the Boltons are prepping for Stannis's army, she uses the chaos to slip out of her chamber, light her Batsignal candle, and make a run for it. She's stopped by a bow-toting Myranda, but, as expected, Theon finally gets his big Return of the Jedi moment of redemption. Interestingly, after watching Myranda splatter in the courtyard like a ripe watermelon, Sansa and Theon decide jumping from the battlements is still the best escape option. Literally anything is better than Ramsay though, so I guess beggars can't be choosers.
Disappointingly, Ramsay manages to live through the episode, so it's fully possible that he'll come after the escapees next season. I think the best option for rescue is still Brienne, even though she missed her chance this time. Brienne missed Sansa's cry for help because Podrick, well-quizzed in the banners of the realm, notices that Stannis is on the way. Like Arya, Brienne is quick to jump on a chance for revenge, and she's been promising to pay Stannis back for Renly since season two. We don't see an actual body and the shot cut away before the actual blow, so it may be too soon to celebrate, but who cares: good riddance to that dude.
It was a rough day all around for Stan. He woke up to half his sell-swords abandoning him, taking all his horses with them, followed quickly by the news that his wife hanged herself. In a shocking twist, it looks like people aren't particularly inclined to stick with a dude who burns his own child to get ahead, especially since the only good that came from Shireen's sacrifice seems to have been some melting snow. Even Melisandre peaces out pretty quick, well aware that even divine intervention wouldn't be enough to get Stannis through the battle. For as much as the show has insisted on Stannis's tactical brilliance in combat, this is twice he's been bested by a newbie commander, and it took less than two episodes and some minor setbacks for him to completely reverse his stance on filicide. Like, Ramsay and his buddies snuck right in, and then hundreds of mercenaries snuck themselves and a bunch of horses back out. Who exactly is watching this camp? Of all the logic failures in the Winterfell plotlines this season, these are some of the most minor, but still.
Another question I have is: if Stannis is truly dead, does that mean Balon Greyjoy somehow won the War of Five Kings without leaving his house? Despite the blood magic leech-burning two out of three usurpers definitely don't recommend? There might be something to the "what is dead can never die" Greyjoy mantra, because otherwise, I don't know how this could have happened. Back when the war broke out, if you'd told me Tommen and Balon would be the last men standing, I would have thought you were lying.
THE WALL:
Melisandre seems just as shocked as the rest of us when she arrives at the Wall, very subdued after running out on her figurehead. When Davos asks about Shireen all she does is shake her head. I think it's safe to say if Davos gets wind of her part in the little girl's death, none of the gods, old or new, are going to be able to save Melisandre from his vengeance. Elsewhere in Castle Black, Sam "Having the Best End of the World Ever" Tarly gets some more good news: Jon agrees to send him to Old Town to become the maester of the Night's Watch, which is really the profession Sam was best suited to all along. Sam also points out that it's the best way to protect Gilly and Sam Junior from the brothers of the watch, but it turns out Jon's the one who needed the protection most, and when he lets Sam go, he loses his last ally.
This season has telegraphed a lot of things, but even by the show's standards, it was like sirens started wailing and neon lights started flashing every time the camera lingered on the murderous pout of Olly the Orphan. I won't lie, the Benjen reminder from the "previously on" clips made me momentarily so excited that, like Jon, I was ready to go bounding out into the zombie-filled snow on the hunt for surviving Starks, but viewers saw the signs that Jon missed. The second Olly came into the room, we knew it was a set-up. The scene was brutal, the muttered "for the watch" stabbing just as deep as the daggers, a reminder of the Lannisters' regards that heralded Robb off his mortal coil seasons ago. And of course, the final blow came from Ominous Olly himself, as we knew it would.
I only have one question about this and it's where the hell was Ghost? I guess he could have been dispatched by Jon's murderous brothers while they were setting up their festive "traitor" billboard and getting the grim torchlight just right for a good old-fashioned group stabbing. They went through the trouble of concocting the elaborate Benjen callback to get him down there in the first place, so they clearly had planning meetings, like they were preparing the most morbid surprise party of all time. I have a feeling Ghost will be back though. In fact, I'm about 90% sure Jon will be back as well.
Melisandre already showed a lot of interest in Jon during her previous stay at Castle Black, and now she's turned up again, conveniently just as the Lord of Light is suddenly in the market for a new poster boy king. Remember Beric Dondarrion? Resurrection is not out of the question. While you're at it, remember that Benioff and Weiss have said they got the job by guessing who Jon's mother was. Remember that Littlefinger's expression in Winterfell's crypt essentially introduced the R+L=J theory into the show's mythology. Jon is too important to die. Robb and Ned were important because they were heroic figures that we could root for, but now there are (probably) only two seasons left and it's too late to suddenly introduce someone else. Even if this is an unhappy story, it's still a story, and Martin, Benioff, and Weiss are all aware that stories need heroes. They're all saying the right things now. Kit Harington promises he's done, but it doesn't seem like everyone's buying it. There are so many theories, so many possible ways for Jon to survive this. Melisandre, White Walkers, Ghost, warging... pick one. It's probably not just a bad case of denial, at least as long as the writers are smart.
At this point, having a character stay likable and stay alive would be the bravest, most revolutionary thing this should could do. We've talked about it in earlier recaps, but misery has become predictable, five seasons in. Martin's having the same problem with the books. What was brave and uncompromising the first time or two has become repetitive and only a completely pessimistic nihilist would argue that it's realistic. A good guy has to win sometime. Only time (and set photos and IMDb) will tell, but I'm willing to bet that Jon is going to be that good guy.
It's (basically) summertime and that means it's time for lazy weekend afternoons lolling around in your room in your underwear with the windows wide open and music blasting. Okay, maybe that's a more specific summer tradition, but I'm pretty sure the vibe is universal. It's about chilling and not giving a fuck and it requires a very specific soundtrack. For all your semi-nude summer vibing, I humbly suggest basically every track on Seeds by TV on the Radio.
All of the songs on this record - upbeat or relaxed, aggressive or tender - are great for hanging out by yourself in the summer. It's not the same as a Summer Jam. Summer Jams are for singing with your friends while you roadtrip with the windows down, or walk home from the bar, or laze around in the grass on a weekend morning. Seeds is a private summer pleasure, like sprawling out on your bed and just watching the afternoon sun creep across the sheets.
Like I said, pretty much any of the tracks work for this vibe. For upbeat, I'd suggest "Winter." For a more low-key vibe, I'd suggest either of my favorite tracks on the album: either "Trouble," or this week's jam: "Careful You."
In honor of the upcoming season finale of Game of Thrones, here's something dumb and fun: Rap Game of Thrones! There are a lot of parallels between the rap game and the game of thrones. Both are about status, power, and influence. Both feature badasses. Both are wildly popular. Both can be brutal, especially for women. And both worlds are populated by some truly great characters. But just because these personalities are compelling and great doesn't mean they're unique. In fact, there are a lot of similarities between the fictional population of Westeros and our own real-life rap charts. Here's how the two worlds match up.
(These comparisons are made based on who the artists are today, both their music and how they are percieved. Today, we'll be focusing on the three big-name families. A round-up of everyone else is coming in the next few days, so stay tuned!)
THE BARATHEONS:
ROBERT BARATHEON is LIL WAYNE
Both of these guys are seen as patriarchs of empires (Westeros for Robert, Young Money for Weezy), both are into getting their buzz on (Robert's wine, Wayne's sizzurp), and both have strong skills that they don't always use. Lil Wayne has written some great, smart bars, but he's written just as many mindless party songs, which is fine! He's a dude who can get shit done, but is mostly just here to have a good time. Robert staged a rebellion, overthrew a king, took Seven Kingdoms, and then settled into party-mode while he let everyone else run the day-to-day.
Signature Song: 3Peat
STANNIS BARATHEON is KANYE WEST
It does not take a lot for Melisandre to convince Stannis that, while he's not God, he is certainly something similar. Both Stannis and Yezus have healthy egos and a belief in their own cosmic importance. Neither one has the slightest sense of humor about themselves. Also, they're both brilliant. Stannis is perhaps the greatest military mind of his generation, and Kanye is certainly among the best rappers in his. Ye and Stan also share a fierce sense of justice. When these guys see someone doing something they disagree with, they don't roll their eyes and move on: they take action. Stannis chops off fingers and hangs sentries; Kanye interrupts award shows and live telethons. (After last week, however, it might be worth mentioning: I think Kanye's probably a better person than Stannis, and would never, ever, ever set North on fire for record sales.)
Signature Song: I Am A God
RENLY BARATHEON is DANDY
Renly was charismatic, savvy, snarky, entitled, and capable of real compassion (see: Brienne). He was also gay, but that's really the least of what he and Dandy have in common. Dandy's music crosses boundaries between genres, makes surprising references. It's aggressive and bratty and fun, just like Renly, but many of his lyrics are also smart and socially conscious, aware of the way the hip-hop world treats queer rappers. He's also collaborative, working with great Atlanta producers and collectives, the way Renly collected allies not really through political savvy so much as just recognizing kindred spirits, like Brienne and Loras, and seeing their potential.
Signature Song: Lolito
JOFFREY BARATHEON is CHRIS BROWN
At this point, we're all aware of how Chris Brown treated Rihanna, but he's not doing much better by any of the other women in his life. He's proven himself a cheater, stalker, and harasser of women, as well as an abuser. Joffrey was also a gross creep, to put it lightly. While Joffrey's crimes are certainly more terrible than Brown's, both had careers that were largely unfettered by their treatment of women. Brown still has fans and sells albums and writes songs about how fickle "hoes" are while he fathers children with other women behind his girlfriend's back, and few people ever even attempted to check Joffrey's behavior until Olenna stepped up to save her granddaughter. I'm not saying I hope someone literally poisons Chris Brown, I'm just saying, isn't it time someone stepped up and poisoned his career?
Signature Song: Loyal
TOMMEN BARATHEON is J. COLE
Poor, sweet dope Tommen Baratheon. Both Tommen and J. Cole are tender hearts, and neither have really lived up to their full potential yet, in terms of skill (and I have more hope for Cole than I do for Tommen, if we're being honest), but the real reason is they both have cute, hilarious loss-of-virginity stories.
Signature Song: Wet Dreamz
THE LANNISTERS:
TYWIN LANNISTER is DIDDY
Tywin and Diddy are both savvy businessmen whose greatest talent is knowing who to pay. Diddy notoriously didn't write his own lyrics (even the lyric "don't worry if I write rhymes, I sign checks") and Tywin's biggest victories (Blackwater, the Red Wedding) were shots he only made with great assists. That said, both men got stuff done. They knew who to ally themselves with, where to invest, and how to build an empire.
Signature Song: Bad Boy For Life
JAIME LANNISTER is ICE CUBE
In the 90s, Ice Cube was part of NWA and was one of the scariest guys around. These days? He's playing your beleaguered dad in road-trip comedies. It's a huge 180 on his brand, the kind that audiences experienced with Jaime "Kingslayer" Lannister. When we meet him in season one, he's fucking his sister and defenestrating children and is best known for that time he stabbed a crazy king in the back, the same king he was sworn to protect. In later seasons, we see his softer side. His relationship with Cersei, twisted as it is, clearly means a lot to him. He sacrificed his hand and nearly his life to save Brienne, he went to bat for his brother, and he infiltrated Dorne to save his daughter-niece. These days, Jaime is much more put-upon dad!Cube than he is NWA!Cube, but with both of them, we know both sides are the real thing. Jaime and Ice Cube are both guys who've been through a lot, done some questionable things, can be scary in a brawl, and also just want their kids to pipe down in the backseat and put on reasonable clothing.
Signature Song: Gangsta Rap Made Me Do It
CERSEI LANNISTER is LIL KIM
Lil Kim was once one of the most powerful women in rap. She was talented and smart. She made the necessary connections and fought fiercely for herself and her career. She also put up with a lot of bullshit from the men around her. Kim is a strong person who sometimes acts in ways that give her fans major second-hand embarrassment. She'll pick a fight with anyone. But for those who love her, it's easy to see why she does it. Kim's star has been fading for a long time now, and every time she writes a diss track about Nicki Minaj, that star flares up for another fifteen seconds. After all she's sacrificed for her career, she's desperate to keep it alive. Cersei fans have the same problem. Cersei does some crazy, terrible, dumb things, but she does it all for her children and her family, the one thing she'd sacrifice anything for. Both ladies are bosses in their own rights, but they're still complicated and vulnerable and messy and human.
Signature Song: Come Back For You
TYRION LANNISTER is CHILDISH GAMBINO
For many of the other characters, Tyrion is just the show's comedian. As witty as he is, as talented as he is, as sensitive as he is, it took a long time for people to take him seriously. The same thing happened when Donald Glover started rapping under the alias Childish Gambino. Despite the obvious intelligence and heart of his lyrics, people focused on the humor and his career as an actor and a comic. Many other rappers ignore or dismiss Gambino, just as Tyrion is largely ignored by the big power players, but he's still a force to be reckoned with. Both Tyrion and Childish Gambino are vocal about their love of wine, women and song, and both are genuinely funny, but they're also more than just fun and games. Like Tyrion, Gambino is into experimenting with new things and looking for ways to improve and diversify the genre. These days, Gambino is getting Grammy noms and Tyrion is advising the Mother of Dragons. Both are moving up in the world.
Signature Song: Freaks and Geeks
THE STARKS:
NED STARK is COMMON
Ned Stark was a Good Guy whose main goal, above all else, was Doing The Right Thing. As far as rappers go, you don't get much more Do The Right Thing than Common. As a lyricist, he's intelligent and socially conscious, heartfelt but realistic. Ned will cut off your head if you break your Night's Watch vows, but he'll also hire a swordmaster for his youngest daughter. Common stays out of most of rap's biggest beefs, but you know it's not because he couldn't hold his own. Ned rules over the North and keeps out of the machinations in King's Landing for as long as possible, but proved himself capable in combat during the rebellion. Neither man is anyone to be trifled with.
Signature Song: Kingdom
CATELYN STARK is GANGSTA BOO
Neither Catelyn nor Gangsta Boo get a lot of credit for the work they do. Both of them have strong pedigrees. Catelyn hails from house Tully and Gangsta Boo was a member of Three 6 Mafia. As the only female member, she (like Catelyn) learned early on how to deal with male ego and temper. But Boo also learned how to stick up for herself. When she felt she wasn't getting her share, she left and went solo. Catelyn was also unafraid to go against the men around her when she felt she wasn't getting what she wanted, which, in her case, was the safe return of her daughters. Both women are powerful, confident, and neither of them are gonna take shit from you.
Signature Song: Can I Get Paid
ROBB STARK is KENDRICK LAMAR
Robb inherited his father's strong moral code and his mother's anger. He's a brilliant general and a wildly charismatic figure, but he also follows his heart, even when it negatively impacts his campaign. The King in the North shares a lot of traits with hip-hop's current King in the West, Kendrick Lamar. Like Robb, Kendrick inspires a lot of excitement and loyalty. He's coming out of a region that has taken a backseat to the Midwest and New York in recent years, but he's putting Compton back on the map, just like Robb made the rest of Westeros reconsider the North. Kendrick's own politics are often more personal than strategic. In a time when many artists were putting out protest songs and songs of support for the Black Lives Matter movement, Kendrick released "Blacker the Berry," which some perceived as respectability politics. Obviously, Kendrick's career didn't go the way Robb's did, but they both showed the same bravery in avoiding the popular choice in favor of the one that felt honest.
Signature Song: Sing About Me
JON SNOW is DRAKE
This one's kind of a no-brainer. Both are boys from the North with a lot of woes. Both are sensitive and compassionate, to the point that they're mocked for it. Both started from the bottom (Drake on Degrassi, Jon as the infamous bastard of Ned Stark) now they here (Drizzy as one of the most successful artists in the world, Jon as the Lord Commander of the Night's Watch). Both are also great leaders. Jon is able to shake things up immediately at The Wall and he makes alliances that few others could imagine. Drake has proved himself to have a real ear for talent. With remixes, singles, and features, he's brought international attention to artists like Little Dragon, The Weeknd, PARTYNEXTDOOR, and ILoveMakonnen. He's not afraid to step outside his comfort zone and experiment with something new, as long as that something new is the best thing for everyone. Result: got the club going up on a Tuesday. Both may be punchlines to some, but they're also undeniable forces to be reckoned with. Also, Jon once had a naked lady full-on straddling him and turned her down because he loved another, even though said other love was permanently out of the picture. This has probably also happened to Drake at some point in his life. These guys are loyal dudes who believe in True Love.
Signature Song: Know Yourself
SANSA STARK is CIARA
Poor Sansa. Poor Ciara. Both girls have struggled. No matter how hard they try, they can't seem to win. Both get heavily criticized. Fans of Thrones don't like that Sansa is "passive," "whiny," and "girly," while Ciara draws flack for not writing her own music or having a good voice. The problem with both ladies is that they're compared too often with others in their fields. Sansa isn't Arya, and Ciara isn't Rihanna, but both have talents and virtues of their own. One of Ciara's greatest strengths is also one of Sansa's: both girls are adaptable. Ciara's music has a lot of varied influences and she's changed her style throughout her career just as often as Sansa has changed her hair. Both have a good sense of which direction the wind is blowing. Both ladies have also had some recent guy trouble, but I'd bet Sansa would be willing to swap lives any day of the week. Ciara, for one, has emerged from a bad situation with a positive outlook, a massively upgraded boyfriend, and a decent new single. Let's hope Sansa's story goes the same way.
Signature Song: I'm Out (feat. Nicki Minaj)
ARYA STARK is AZEALIA BANKS
Arya and Azealia are both big on grudges. Both have a rigid sense of justice and are merciless when crossed. One can imagine Banks standing over the wheezing near-corpse of Iggy Azealea's career just as dispassionately as Arya stood over the Hound's. Both are also talented, but not necessarily as speedy as fans would like. We love watching Arya, but her detours away from the main plot seem to last longer and longer every season. Azealia blew everyone away with her debut, "212," and then took several long, long years to actually release a full-length album. In defense of both girls, they were taking the time to get it right. Arya's latest adventures at the House of Black and White have been about acquiring the skills to carry out her revenge, while Azealia delayed until she had the tracks and the team she needed to release the album she intended to create. Neither is afraid of going it alone or being disliked, so long as they feel uncompromised.
Signature Song: Fierce
BRAN STARK is JADEN SMITH
Go to Jaden's Twitter feed. Read it. I bet that is exactly what life is like for Bran under a tree, being taught warging by a root person. Also, of all currently living celebrities, I feel like Jaden and Willow are by far most likely to be wargs.
Signature Song: Offering
ETA: Part Two is now available here! Find out who's Westeros's Beyonce and who's this world's Ramsay Bolton.
This week's mixtape is dedicated to one of my favorite sporting events, the Women's World Cup, and the most important team in the world, the USWNT. The tournament kicked off last Saturday and we're now just about through the first round of the group stages. The USWNT kicked off their campaign for a third title with a 3-1 win over Australia in the Group of Death. The quality and success of the USA's women's team has been a huge part of the growth of the sport. Other national teams come to America to train and play in the NWSL or the NCAA. The funding and the support for the USWNT is some of the most impressive in the world, and that trend is spreading to other countries.
For me, the best thing about the WWC is also the worst thing: I love all of these squads and I want all of them to win, even though that's not possible. So many of these athletes have made huge sacrifices to play for their national team, despite the lack of pay and support. Many of these teams are representing their countries for the first time in this newly expanded Cup. All of these women are incredible. I love and support every single one of them.
So to celebrate these teams and this truly spectacular month of badass women kicking butt, here's a no-boys-allowed WWC/USWNT playlist, jam-packed with female vocalists and rappers. Catch the Women's World Cup on Fox, Fox Sports 1, and Fox Sports 2 from now until the final on July 5th.
Welp, it's time again to re-set Game of Thrones's "Days Since Last Our Nonsense" counter to zero, because we've got - surprise! - more violence against young girls. As the season has been hinting since the very beginning, Shireen's the latest of Thrones's emotional thumbscrews. The scene was played for maximum suffering, as if orchestrated by Ramsay himself. As well as it has mastered the art of the chaotic battle scene (see Drogon the Burninator's timely reappearance for further examples), Thrones still seems to consider human misery to be its true wheelhouse. The scene was immediately followed by a lengthy discussion of The Way Things Are, with Hizdahr, Tyrion and Daenerys on the panel. It was another reminder from Benioff and Weiss that this is Westeros as it has been, for better or worse, and another promise that someday things will get better, though whether or not the show will actually make good on that promise remains to be seen.
Jon certainly seems to be growing and learning in a way that inspires optimism. His mission beyond the Wall was at least a partial success, but more than that, it was both pragmatic and compassionate. Doran and Ellaria also seemed to be on missions of mercy this week. It may be completely fucking dumb, after 49 hours of nearly continuous suffering virtually undiluted by person-to-person connection, but I'm still fanning a tiny spark of hope that this isn't all just philosophical discussion, that someday, hopefully someday real goddamn soon, Thrones is actually going to make good on that promise.
Maybe, now that things have gotten so dire in the North, Jon's model is going to become a little bit more of the norm. Interpersonal conflict doesn't mean a lot to Minty Fresh Darth Maul (aka The Night's King) and his frostbitten buddies. There are certainly some characters that seem beyond redemption (I have trouble believing Ramsay, for example, could put aside his personal beefs to save the human race) but maybe an ice cold dose of reality is just what some of the rest of these petty power-grabbers need to show some basic human decency. Call me naive, but that's what I've got to keep hoping to sit through some of this stuff.
DORNE:
So let's get into the recap and, as usual, get Dorne out of the way first. It's still not cohering with the rest of the show and the Sand Snakes are still falling flat, but this week was at least a small shuffle in the right direction. We get a better idea of who Doran is in this episode. He summons Jaime for an incredibly chill negotiation session/tea party. Doran's main goal is to keep the peace, despite Ellaria's vengeance campaign. He's willing to send Myrcella back to King's Landing as long as her betrothal to Trystane stands and he goes with her. This seems like a big tally in the loss column for the two young lovers, though they don't know it yet. Dorne is a liberal, lovely Eden. King's Landing is currently a raging dumpster fire. Hard to imagine it as an ideal spot for teen romance, especially as it's basically under religious rule. Trystane will also be representing Dorne on the Small Council. He flexes his judiciary muscles by deciding Bronn's punishment for clocking him in the face: everyone's favorite pie-loving mercenary gets repaid in kind. Seems fair.
Doran's second step on the Path to Peace involves wrangling Ellaria and the Sand Snakes. He's forgiving but stern. Ellaria's 180 from refusing to toast the health of her sad boyking to crying as she kisses Doran's ring is a bit jarring, but Indira Varma makes it work. Her olive branch moment with Jaime is excellent, another one of this episodes brief glimpses into what it might be like if people could put their vendettas aside. Ellaria dropping her vengeance campaign is basically unprecedented on this show, and it's one of the things that keeps me hoping. Of course, it remains to be seen how well she can corral the Sand Snakes after she's already let them off the chain. I honestly don't know how that's gonna go, because it's been nine episodes and I still know basically nothing about them. Dorne's been weird! However, given that their only real characterization has been vengeance-based, I'm willing to bet she's going to have problems getting them to toe the line.
BRAAVOS:
On the subject of vengeance, Arya's semester abroad in Braavos is finally paying some dividends. She's out selling seafood and side-stepping gross street harassment, making her way towards her target, when she comes across one of the names on her personal hit list: Meryn Trant. To refresh your memory, Meryn made the list back in season one when he, presumably, killed Arya's mentor, Syrio Forel. He's over in Braavos acting as the muscle for Mace Tyrell's diplomatic mission to, basically, beg for the mercy of the Bank of Braavos, which has called in the crown's enormous debt. Arya hesitates for only a second before she pursues the group. We see Mace's pitch crashing and burning, despite some literal song and dance numbers, but Arya has eyes only for Trant. She trails him to a brothel where he proves himself to be even more disgusting than we previously guessed.
The set-up here is that Arya is going to show up tomorrow and offer herself as sexual bait for this creep. I'm not looking forward to seeing that, but this entire plotline has been about Arya making herself a weapon. Her devotion has never been to the Many-Faced God or the House of Black and White, or even Jaqen. Arya's devotion is solely to crossing names of her list. This season has been a stepping stone on that path, and it seems like we're about to see some payoff at last.
Arya tells Jaqen that she'll return for the Thin Man tomorrow, but we get a shot of his face that makes it pretty clear he doesn't buy it. Given his apparent omniscience, it seems basically impossible that he wouldn't know what she was really up to all day. For me, something about that look gave a little bit of credence to the popular theory that one of Jaqen's faces might be a familiar one, but we'll have to see how that plays out next week.
THE WALL:
Other things to keep an eye on next week: Olly. That kid will not let up on this. He's mad about the wildlings and he wants everybody to know about it. After all these lingering shots on his glowering babyface, I'm expecting at least some kind of assassination attempt next episode. There's been too much unsubtle focus here. Something's gonna go down.
There's also a lot glaring from Ser Alliser, and a long tense moment, but in the end, he does raise the gates and let Jon and about five thousand of the Free Folk through to the questionable safety of Castle Black. Jon is upset that he couldn't bring back more, but Sam gives him a pep talk. Ser Alliser's reaction is considerably less peppy. "You have a good heart," he says, "you're going to get us all killed." The Hound said something similar to Arya last season and, indeed, the show so far seems to support that worldview, at least until now. So, Sam or Alliser? Who's going to get to say "I told you so" here?
THE NORTH:
Let's get this part out of the way so we can end things on a high note. All season, we've been getting our first humanizing scenes of Stannis, all of them involving his love and devotion to his daughter. On Game of Thrones, that's never a good sign. It's an even worse omen that Davos has a tender moment with her before he departs for The Wall on Stannis's orders. As we learned last week, having a tender farewell with children means someone's death is imminent. In this case, it's Shireen's.
When Melisandre floated the idea of sacrificing Stannis's daughter to the Lord of Light, I said I wouldn't be surprised if Stannis followed through, and I'm not. The impression I've gotten is that this is a character departure from the Stannis seen in the books, but from what I've seen on the show, I don't find it unreasonably shocking (though no less terrible for its predictability). He's already killed one member of his family in the name of his right to the throne, as well as a teenager (it's easy to forget, given what a monster he was, but Joffrey was still a child when he died). Stannis tells Shireen a man has to make choices, and Stannis has made this choice before. It's never been such a huge personal loss, sure, but he's proven that he doesn't shrink from human sacrifice if he thinks it will be worth it. Stannis values the Iron Throne more than anything else, even the only person he seems to love. Stannis thinks the Throne is worth her death.
If you were rooting for Stannis, this probably makes it hard to keep doing that. The scene itself is brutal. Shireen's screams will haunt Stannis just as much as they'll haunt the rest of us. Even Selyse, nobody's candidate for mother of the year, is moved. But no one can save Shireen. The situation was dire - his men were starving and Ramsay's twenty-man attack destroyed too many of their supplies for them to be able to retreat or go forward - but it justifies nothing, not for the audience, and certainly not for Davos when he comes back.
The title of this episode comes from the last book Shireen will ever read, an account of a civil war between two Targaryens. Like the discussion in Meereen, this brings up the themes of the brutality of the world, the performance of war and violence, the sacrifices made for power. It's a pretty name for an awful thing, the same way a "game" is a misleadingly fun term for the merciless ambition we've been watching play out for the last few years. It's all the same, like the wheel of the powerful Westerosi families Tyrion and Dany discussed last week. Until someone breaks the wheel, this same violence is going to continue to be the norm.
MEEREEN:
Over in Meereen, the wheel keeps spinning. The Great Games are underway and Daenerys is not happy about it. Hizdahr coaches her through the etiquette of the event while Daario noses around trying to undermine him. Both of these dudes are awful. The group plus Tyrion, who has apparently already merited dais-level status, have a ringside discussion about the role of violence in empire-building. It's kind of a surreal conversation for these people to be having, especially Hizdahr and Daenerys who have largely kept their hands clean on a personal level, especially on the heels of what just happened to Shireen Baratheon.
Tyrion sounds like so many of us watching at home when he says there's enough violence in real life without seeking it out in your leisure time. It's an interesting line to give to Tyrion, a character who is so often the voice of reason, when the show itself is seems to glory so much in being our own fighting pits, our own leisure pseudo-violence. It's easy, Tyrion says, for Hizdahr to excuse the violence, because it's violence that has kept him in power. (Ironically, for all his arguments in favor, Hizdahr is the only one of this group who meets a violent end in this episode.) Like Hizdahr, violence on Thrones is really all we've known. Tyrion hints that there's another way, that just because this is what we've become accustomed to doesn't mean this is the way it will be going forward. The fact that it's Tyrion saying it gives me hope, even though this show delights in the bait-and-switch of optimism. If there are only two seasons left, I have to assume we're going somewhere with this, somewhere new, somewhere worth the long and painful trip it took to get there.
Before we get to a reprieve, however, we have to get through some gratuitous pit violence. Daenerys grimaces her way through it, more or less, until Jorah shows up. She's visibly shaken, especially when Jorah seems to be having a rough time in a multicultural battle royale. Tyrion urges her to put a stop to it, but Hizdahr tells her it's against the rules. Daenerys sits there, paralyzed, and watches. Jorah makes it through, somehow, and he and his Khaleesi have a minute to stare at each other before everything erupts into chaos. The Sons of the Harpy are out in full-force and Daenerys's Unsullied guards are outnumbered. Tyrion saves Missandei, Daario and Jorah save Daenerys, no one bothers saving Hizdahr. The little group is trapped, a rapidly thinning ring of Unsullied all that remains between them and what looks like at least a hundred masked rebels, when Drogon makes his big entrance.
Despite the fact that it's Drogon doing most of the barbecuing and biting, Daenerys hasn't looked this strong all season. Standing upright in the face of Drogon's roar, pulling spears from his side, climbing on his goddamn back and going for a ride, this is the mythic Mother of Dragons that even a cocky idiot like Joffrey was a little nervous about. If she can get her scaly babies back on the team, Daenerys finally might have the power to back up her reforms in Meereen.
Then again, if Jorah keeps fucking grabbing people with his contractible disease hand maybe the entire place will succumb to Greyscale and we won't have to worry about its political problems anymore. Am I missing something about how this disease works? Why is he so cavalier about touching people?? Especially Daenerys! Maybe the show just thought we'd forget about it, but given how many scenes have been devoted to Jorah dramatically rolling up his sleeve and flashing his wrist like he's wearing an Apple Watch, viewers forgetting about his diagnosis is not super likely. Another question I have here is, um, did Daenerys just go ghost on her own squad? The fighting seemed to be dying down a bit in the wake of her takeoff, but I'm not sure if that was just a breather for everyone to say "holy shit" before continuing to murder each other or an actual end to the melee. If it's the former: rude.
Either way, this is three big allies Daenerys has gained/re-gained in the past two episodes: Jorah, Tyrion, and Drogon. She's gathering her forces, and things are coming to a head. It seems like there's still a lot to be resolved in the final episode (Stannis vs The Boltons, Arya vs Meryn Trant, the trials in King's Landing, the repercussions at The Wall) but I think it's fair to assume we're going to see a make-or-break moment in Meereen as well. Looking at that list, it's a lot to fit into one hour. Safe to say we're in for an action-packed finale full of long-term consequences. Let's hope the quiet moments of optimism of this episode weren't just talk. Let's hope some of the good guys win next week, or, in the case of Stannis and the Boltons, I guess we'll just root for the lesser of two evils.
Every time Game of Thrones slumps, it inevitably comes back swinging, and last night's "Hardhome" went yard. The Battle of Hardhome changed the way we view everything else that happens on the show. It felt like a game-changer on a major scale, something that put everything in perspective for viewers in a way that hasn't happened since Ned Stark lost his head in season one. When the honorable Ned, the man who would have been an untouchable hero on any other show, unceremoniously bit it right away, the audience had to change the way they watched the show. This wasn't a place where the good guys were always going to win. This wasn't a standard medieval fantasy. The long-awaited arrival of Winter and the White Walkers is just as shattering. Who really cares who sits on an uncomfortable pile of metal? The Iron Throne isn't going to save anyone. Last night, shit got real.
KING'S LANDING:
But let's ease into that big finale. We got a few scenes in King's Landing, all confined to Cersei's monochrome cell. She's refusing to confess to the crimes of which she has been accused. Her rap sheet includes: fornication, treason, incest, and regicide. Woof! If Cersei had any skills as a rapper whatsoever, she could get a pretty fire mixtape out of that list. Septa Ratched, despite Cersei's repeated threats, is coming in daily to demand a confession and tempt the erstwhile queen mother with water that, eventually, Cersei is forced to drink off the dusty prison floor. This is quite a comedown, especially for a real wine connoisseur like our girl Cersei. These scenes feel a little out of place in this episode, where almost every other scene felt like it had enormous, long-reaching consequences, but if this is really the end for Cersei, I appreciate every last second we get with her.
We do learn some things of note: there's been no word from Jaime yet, the trial is about to begin, and it sounds like Maester Qyburn's Frankenstein role-play with the Mountain might turn out to be Cersei's best chance of escape. We also learn that Uncle Kevan, undisputed last place in the Lannister name power rankings, is on his way back to take up position of Hand of the King. Given how their last meeting went, it seems unlikely he'll be very inclined to help Cersei, but it'll be interesting to see if he can do anything about Tommen, who has retreated into a full-on teenage funk, refusing to leave his room or eat. Sure, Joffrey was an irredeemable bully and a whiny sadist, but you can't say he didn't get stuff done.
BRAAVOS:
Over in Essos, Arya is exploring the fascinating world of raw bar espionage. Jaqen finally gives her a task more interesting than bodywork: she's trolling the docks, selling seafood and plotting assassinations. After she establishes her cover ("Lana" the oyster girl) and proves her skills of observation, Jaqen reveals her mission: learn the habits of The Thin Man, a gambler who steals from the families of dead sailors, and introduce him to the Many-Faced God. I'm still not loving this plot, which, now more than ever, feels irrelevant to the rest of the show, but at least things are happening, I guess.
MEEREEN:
Things in the pyramid are definitely picking up. Tyrion and Daenerys are feeling each other out, and it's such a joy to see Tyrion back in his element, slinging witticisms and sipping wine. It's been so long since we saw any of these characters in their element (except, arguably, Jon) that it's truly thrilling to see the wheels start turning in Tyrion's head. His gift is being the power behind the throne, yes, but also speaking truth to power. Even before he officially enters her service, he's full of pro-tips for Dany, the best of which is: maybe reconsider that Iron Throne. It doesn't seem likely that Daenerys will give up on her dreams of taking what she sees as her right and her home, but Tyrion's got a point here. Why bother? It seems like a terrible job and, as we learn in this episode, it's about to get a hell of a lot worse.
His first bit of advice, however, is for Daenerys to spare Jorah. Killing your most devoted subjects is not a good look, he points out, but neither is keeping them around when they've spied on you. Jorah is banished again, but he's got a solution. He returns to the man who bought him for the fighting pits and offers to fight. If he can't fight for Daenerys in the pyramid, he's going to do it in the pits. It's hard to fault him for this decision. Given his Grayscale diagnosis, we know he doesn't have long to live. Might as well spend his remaining days as close to his Khaleesi as he can get.
WINTERFELL:
Up at Winterfell, Roose and Ramsay are preparing for Stannis and his army. Roose is happy to wait it out, but Ramsay's on his "We the North" again. Everyone's least favorite bastard thinks Stannis and his Southern buddies don't stand a chance against the home team and he's eager to show the North that their new Wardens can throwdown just as well as any Stark. Roose isn't completely sold, but Ramsay says he only needs twenty men to take out Stannis. If ever there was a time for Melisandre to release a smoke assassin from her vag, this is it, because I need to see Ramsay get his comeuppance. My preference is still a swift and brutal ass-kicking from Brienne, but I'd settle for anything at this point, I just need that dude gone.
Meanwhile, in Sansa's hell-chamber, she confronts Theon about selling her out to Ramsay and what he's done to her family. Something seems to get through to him, because he talks about himself as Theon for the first time in a long time. "I deserve to be Reek," he says. He expresses guilt over betraying Robb, but, like Sansa, I don't give a fuck. However, he does let it slip that he wasn't able to kill Bran and Rickon and for once in the entire goddamn history of this show, something nice happens to Sansa: she finds out her brothers are alive. In back-to-back episodes, Sansa has been reminded that she still has family somewhere out there. With any luck, she'll have escaped this terrible fucking plot and be on her way to reuniting with them at the Wall by the time the season ends. No matter how many times this show upsets me, I will continue to hope for good things for Sansa Stark.
THE WALL AND BEYOND:
Farther North at the Wall, Sam and Gilly are playing doctor. Olly comes by to remind us that he's still feeling some kind of way about Jon's plan and he's not shy about letting anyone know it. I don't trust this kid. He's had a tough time, sure, but we know he's willing to kill and the focus on his fury over the plan is unsubtly ominous.
Beyond the Wall, Jon and Tormund's diplomatic mission takes them to Hardhome. The wildlings are snarky and distrustful and oddly obsessed with how pretty Jon is. Jon gives them his pitch, which is less inspiring the third or fourth time we're hearing it, but it wins over some of the Free Folk, including a truly delightful lady named Karsi. Every minute with her was a treasure and I would not be opposed to a spin-off prequel series. The giants and a few others are also on board, but there are still plenty of holdouts. Tormund promises that they'll come around when times get hard but, of course, those poor suckers don't even get a chance.
Jon and Tormund have barely started loading up the ships when we get launched into an incredible twenty minute action sequence that made The Walking Dead look like community theater. The stunt choreography and CGI that went into it are one thing, but it was also a wonderfully shot piece of action on a scale that no other show but Thrones could pull off. "Hardhome" immediately joins "Blackwater" and "The Watchers on the Wall" as a series classic. The battle itself is chaotic and horrifying. It's obvious from the start that nothing the wildlings or the Night's Watch can do will stop literal tidal waves of ice zombies. My whirlwind affair with Karsi is cut tragically short when she surrenders to the inevitable and lets herself get mobbed by a bunch of creepy bone children. It's a little hard to differentiate the various castes of this frozen skeleton crew, but the good news is they at least seem to have personalities: their ice world Darth Maul leader taunts Jon and Tony Starks it up with impunity.
Jon, despite losing all Sam's dragonglass and a few thousand wildlings, learns a very valuable lesson. The sword he was given by Jeor Momont, Longclaw, proves an effective weapon against the White Walkers. I think we can assume Valeryian steel is the magic ingredient here. It's something, but it's not much. We currently know of a handful of swords forged from Valeryian steel and that seems comically inadequate in the face of the White Walker army, even before it expanded its numbers by a few hundred dead wildlings.
Suddenly the Iron Throne seems as small as a highchair and the game of thrones has never seemed like more of a game. It's like playing shuffleboard on the Titanic. Even Stannis vs the Boltons basically seems petty in comparison, to say nothing of Arya vs Some Random Jerk. For as much as a frozen army of the undead raises the stakes in life-or-death terms, it also lowers them for everything else. It will be interesting to see how Benioff and Weiss keep the goings on in the South feeling urgent in the face of such an overwhelming threat.
