I'm going to keep pretending that didn't happen for a second. It was a better world we lived in, twenty-four hours ago, and I'm going to cling to that world for as long as humanly possible. I don't want to talk about it.
BRAAVOS:
In fact, I don't want to talk about it SO MUCH, that I'd rather talk about this boring Arya stuff!! The episode opens with still more of Westeros's most dimly lit corpse spa. Arya, like the rest of us, is getting pretty fed up with how slow things are moving over here, but demanding answers from her cadaver scrubbing buddy only leads to a frustrating game of truth-or-lie. If you thought the original version was dull, the expansion pack with Jaqen H'ghar spices things up by adding a new feature where he whacks you with a stick! It's a fun game for everyone, especially Arya, who takes a few ribshots rather than admit that she felt anything less than vengeful hatred for The Hound.
Just when it seems like Arya can't do or say anything interesting in this place without getting slapped down (either physically or verbally), a tragic father-daughter duo arrive. The girl is suffering and her father is looking for an angel of mercy. Arya creates a soothing fiction to encourage the girl to drink from the House of Black and White's ominous water feature. Jaqen watches the whole exchange and decides Arya is ready to move on to the next level, which is a cathedral full of face skins. Neat! He tells her she's not ready to be no one, but she's finally ready to become someone else, so it seems like we might finally be getting somewhere with this story.
I generally like Arya's scenes on this show, not least because Maisie Williams is a very capable, sure-footed actress (I bring it up a lot but: remember that time she went toe-to-toe with Charles fuckin Dance???) and she's always interesting to watch, but I'm struggling to care about this slow motion training montage. It's a tough plot to get invested in, not just because of the pacing, but because we're not really rooting for Arya to succeed here.
Success in this place means giving up the character we've grown to care for over the years. When Arya was divesting herself of her worldly attachments at the water's edge, weren't we all relieved that she couldn't bring herself to part with Needle? When we root for Arya, we root for her to take her revenge, to scratch the names off her list and avenge her family. We want her to keep Needle, keep her quest, and keep her fighting spirit. That's not what this place is about. I'm curious to see what she'll get out of this training, but I'm not gonna lie, I'm hoping she gets it quick and gets out. Arya is at her best when she's playing off other characters; everyone here is no one and nothing has immediate consequence to the main action. She's one of Thrones's brightest flames but putting her in this vacuum has sucked all the oxygen out of her story.
ON THE ROAD TO MEEREEN:
Speaking of people currently far-removed from the main action, Tyrion and Jorah are still truckin. Tyrion's trying to get Jorah to open up. He complains about Jorah's poor conversational skills and even confesses to murdering his own father, but Jorah gives him nothing... until he accidentally breaks the news that Jorah's father, Jeor, was killed in the mutiny at Crastor's Keep. It's an interesting contrast, these two men in exile grieving fathers with whom they had complicated relationships. Tyrion expresses admiration for Jeor and sympathy for Jorah, but Jorah merely grimaces in a solemn, backlit shot, privately reliving all the ways he disappointed his father. This is a compelling pairing and I'm into it.
I'm also into Tyrion's (very valid!) questions about why Jorah is so convinced Daenerys is The Real Deal, and especially why he thinks she'll be able to come into Westeros, a country she has never really known, and rule it with any sort of authority and understanding. Jorah's response to this is pretty weak, though. He tells Tyrion the tale of the dragons' birth, which is, yes, a great story, but, as Tyrion points out, it's not any sort of real indication of her capacity to rule. Plus, we know it's not the real reason Jorah is so firmly on Team Dany. He switched sides before that happened, and his reasons for wanting to return to her are less about how great a queen he thinks she'll be and more about how he turns into a human heart-eyes emoji whenever he sees her. It's not surprising that he doesn't have much of an answer for Tyrion's question about what happens after she gets the throne, because that's never been his endgame.
Tyrion doesn't get a chance to pry this out of Jorah, however, before they're beset by slavers. Boy, this is rough country! People have been wandering through warn-torn Westeros for whole seasons seeing little more than peasants and the occasional roving band of Brothers Without Banners, but Tyrion and Jorah can't seem to catch a break. The slavers are very upfront about their plans to kill and dismember Tyrion and sell Jorah to a salt mine, which gives Tyrion a chance to talk their way out of it. Apparently dwarf dick is a big deal in certain circles, but, as we already know, Tyrion's dick is not dwarf-sized. He proposes that the slavers keep him alive as proof-of-dwarf before they sell his parts to a COCK MERCHANT, which is a REAL PROFESSION. Amazing. Why does anyone want to rule the seven kingdoms when they could open a quaint little COCKERIE and be a small town COCK MERCHANT? You know, live a simple life of COCK PEDDLING? That's the dream.
Anyway, while he's saving his own dick, Tyrion throws in a good word for Jorah. The slavers let slip that the fighting pits are re-opened and Tyrion suggests they send Jorah. Jorah backs up Tyrion's story with some reminders of his time among the Dothraki, and the slavers are convinced. It's a dangerous ride, but it looks like Jorah and Tyrion have hitched a lift to Meereen. Anything that'll get Tyrion to Daenerys's pyramid before the end of the season is a-okay with me. The pacing on this is good. They feel like they're moving faster now than Tyrion was when he was with Varys, and each of their scenes so far has felt vital and full.
DORNE:
This is more than can be said for the goings on in Dorne, which have been feeling rushed in general and felt almost blink-and-you-miss-it this week. We get a few quick establishing vignettes: Prince Doran's expecting attacks on his Westerosi hostage/ward, the Sand Snakes are still looking to start some shit, Jaime and Bronn are in disguise and coming in hot, and Myrcella's getting along great with her intended, the handsome, doe-eyed Trystane. He wants to get married ASAP but she wants to know if it's real. They have some cute teenage makeouts until they're interrupted by the King's Landing rescue party. Ugh! Uncle-father Jamie, please!! That's, like, sooo embarrassinnggg, omg!!! Jaime and Bronn don't have a chance to get far with their abduction plot though, because the Sand Snakes are - wouldn't you know it?! - also, conveniently, right there!
So everybody starts brawling, but it's pretty underwhelming, frankly. I want to care about the Sand Snakes, but the show still hasn't differentiated them enough for me, and their whole deal seems so ill-conceived and rash. I mean, their outfits are great! I'm mad about Oberyn too! I'm on board! But I need the show to do a little more work to get me to care about these people as individuals, rather than extensions of Oberyn. Speaking of Oberyn though, I'm betting the girls took a page out of his book and poisoned their weapons, which means Bronn is probably never going to get a chance to finish his jaunty Dornish espionage song.
The Sand Snakes don't get a chance to finish their fight either, because guess who else just happens to be right there? It's Doran's guards, and they break things up pretty quickly, unimpressed by Whale Rider Sand Snake's needling about their disinterest in avenging Oberyn and Dorne, and equally, if not more unimpressed by Jaime's one-handed fighting. The whole event felt like it was on fast-forward. The Sand Snakes are new characters and, from what I understand, they're fan favorites for book-readers. It would be nice to spend some real time with them, and some time in Dorne in general. Dorne seems like by far the nicest place in this entire show. I could hang there for a whole episode and not be mad about it.
KING'S LANDING:
We're back in King's Landing this week, and so is Baelish. Lancel and the Faith Militant try to hassle him a bit upon his arrival, but he's unfazed. He meets with Cersei and plays it super cautious. When he ventures to ask about the wisdom of having Loras arrested, Cersei's smug "wasn't me" is about as convincing as Shaggy's after he got caught red-handed freaking with the girl next door. Baelish is pretty quick to see there's no reasoning with this, so he cuts to the chase of his visit and spills the beans on Sansa's location and the Boltons' alleged rebellion plot. When Cersei questions his loyalty, he gives the lamest equivocation ever: he "always counsels loyalty to the throne." Sure, buddy. Cersei is clearly riding high on the rush of getting one over on the Tyrells because she accepts this pretty easily, despite the fact that Littlefinger has never been anything less than one hundred percent shady and everyone knows it. This is especially dumb on her part, as it comes during the same conversation where she laments that they never should've trusted Roose Bolton after he proved himself a traitor at the Red Wedding. Somehow, Baelish convinces Cersei to let the wedding go as planned and allow Stannis and Roose to fight it out. He promises to take the Knights of the Vale up to handle whoever emerges victorious in exchange for being named Warden of the North.
I don't like asking book readers to explain stuff to me, because I don't want to get spoiled, but I can't take it anymore, I just really have to know: why the hell does everyone want the North so fucking bad??? I don't get it! It seems like a nearly impossible place to invade, given the fierce loyalty to the Starks and the fact that, weather-wise, it's basically Russia. There are many real life examples of how well is does not go when you try to invade Russia. It's a hell of a risk, and what's the reward?? What kind of resources does the North have to offer? It's a lot of area, sure, but it's a lot of area that's a) freezing and b) right in the line of fire for a whole nation of invading ice zombies! If I were the rest of Westeros, I would have let them secede a long time ago. Screw the North! It seems especially dumb to try to take it now, since Winter Is Coming blah blah blah. Let that place go, y'all have major problems to sort out elsewhere.
Speaking of problems to be sorted, I was hoping for someone to put Cersei in her place this episode and I thought for sure the time had come when my girl the Queen of Thorns rolled up. Olenna Tyrell is The Best. She spices up every scene she's in by at least twelve notches on the Emeril Lagasse Scale of Spiciness. Olenna Tyrell is a goddamn gift. She comes out swinging, assuring Margaery that the Lannisters have nothing on them, everybody's gay and nobody cares, and she's got this handled. When we see her seated opposite from Cersei in the very room where her iconic face off with Tywin went down, my expectations were high, but this was a funhouse mirror version of that scene. Tywin vs Olenna was two heavyweights, duking it out in a battle of wits, but Olenna vs Cersei is Game of Thrones's MayPac. Cersei is evasive. She refuses to accept responsibility and refuses to engage Olenna when the Queen of Thorns gets into the exciting threatening-and-bargaining portions of the showdown. It's kind of a non-event, by comparison.
What makes Cersei so frustrating as a villain is also what makes her compelling as a character: when it comes to her children, she completely loses her goddamn mind. She knows the Lannister gold mines are empty. Olenna's right: she needs the backing of the Tyrells to keep the kingdom intact. If she thinks she can hold it together with the strength of the Faith Militant alone, we know she's in for a rude awakening. Aside from the fact that everyone in Westeros knows a good reason for the High Sparrow to turn on her, in arming the Militant she released a dragon she has even less control over than Daenerys has over Drogon. They owe her no allegiance and they don't share her goals. Like Margaery in the post-wedding night read that lead to this mess, Cersei is wielding borrowed power, which means a lot of potential for guesswork and miscalculation. If Margaery thought Tommen could protect her, she was wrong, and Cersei will be just as wrong about the Faith Militant.
We know from the start of the inquest that Loras and Margaery will end the episode in jail, but we get a few body blows on the way there as Loras is forced to renounce Renly over and over, basically giving the ol' Gal Pal Defense. I didn't realize Loras had fought the Battle of Blackwater in Renly's armor. Ugh! You guys, I really loved Renly. He was such a dweeb, I really miss him, especially in downer episodes like this one. On a positive note, like Jaime before him, Loras is benefiting from the incarceration beard makeover and it's a good look. That's about it for good news this episode, though, because now we've got to fucking talk about what happened at Winterfell. Ugh.
WINTERFELL:
UGH!! Alright. Fuck. Here we go.
So, first of all, Cersei and Littlefinger mentioned that the weather was starting to turn and I kind of shrugged that off because, you know, we've been hearing that line for four and a half seasons now, but when we finally got up North, it looks like, yeah, winter is officially coming! It's dark during the day and it's snowing. Shit's about to get real.
In Winterfell news that's not the weather report, Myranda is still trying to freak Sansa out. She gets her naked and vulnerable and starts telling campfire horror stories about Ramsay hunting girls for sport, but Sansa's got her would-be rival figured out. She calls Myranda on her weirdo crush on Ramsay and tells her, stone-cold, that she can't be touched. Sansa Stark is home now, and she's not going anywhere. She's having none of this, and none of Reek either, when he shows up at her door to escort her to her winter woodland wedding. She does not give a fuck.
The wedding seems chill (no pun intended), if you ignore all the fucking images of flayed dudes hanging everywhere, but, well, this is a Westerosi wedding, so that's pretty on-brand, I guess. Myranda has really committed to baring some cleavage, despite the weather. This girl is not gonna let it go. Despite a long pause, Sansa gets through her vows, so this is happening, I guess. Ramsay gives her his creepy Grinch smile - ugh, ew - and we're off to the wedding night.
Again: I haven't read the books. But I know how this went down in Martin's version, and I read the explanation from the show runners for why we're seeing this version, and frankly, this is garbage. It's just unambiguously complete fucking garbage. This plot has been a tough sell from the very beginning. Sansa is wanted for regicide. It seems unlikely that the Boltons would be stupid enough to mess around with someone who is so obviously toxic, politically speaking, even to tie down the North. There's no way Littlefinger, a man who somehow seems to know everything, would somehow miss that Ramsay is a total fucking psycho, and I don't buy that he would let Sansa go into that situation unprepared if he knew this was a possibility. The logic here has been bent to the point of breaking, all so they could rewrite this to be a story about Sansa being further brutalized.
Benioff and Weiss have tried to explain this by talking about how much they love Sansa as a character and how excited they are about giving her more to do, but this isn't doing any service to the character of Sansa Stark. It's fucking 2015, are we still going to accept rape and sexual torture as a character building exercise? Sophie Turner put it best when she said that, following a lot of vocal Sansa-hate during season one, Benioff and Weiss "must have been like, 'Okay, let's do everything we can to make her the most abused, manipulated character!'" It's lazy to make a character likable by making her a victim.
Before this season, they promised a more proactive Sansa, but all we've seen Sansa actively do is accept her role as a victim, to agree to be brutalized and just try to endure it. This is bad enough, but it's even more enraging that they shot Theon's tear-streaked face while Sansa screamed, that the director (Jeremy Podeswa) made her suffering about Theon. It's not enough that she has to be abused, repeatedly, over the course of the series, this latest and greatest atrocity has to be in service of Theon's long-awaited redemption. If she was gaining any agency as a character, this scene robbed her of it immediately and gave all of it to Theon. And that's bullshit.
When George RR Martin hastily released a typo-ridden Sansa-centric chapter ahead of the season premiere, I thought it was an expression of his bitterness over the show potentially beating him to the finish line of his own work, but now, looking back, I think it's very possible he was distancing himself from this move. The excerpts I've read of that chapter (granted, only a few paragraphs here and there) give us a Sansa who is an active participant in her own story, not this perpetual victim who goes from dungeon to dungeon, passed from monster to monster. That's the Sansa Benioff and Weiss were promising at the start of the season, but it's not the Sansa they gave us.
I feel pretty sure that Benioff and Weiss are high-fiving about the furor this scene has caused. I would not be surprised at all if they're congratulating themselves on showing audiences the "harshness of reality" in Westeros, not understanding that this outrage is different from the grief-rage fans experienced when Robb or Catelyn or Ned got killed off. What does this teach us about Westeros, Ramsay, or Sansa that we don't already know? Westeros is a hard place to live, especially for women. We knew that. Ramsay is a monster. We definitely knew that. Sansa has been sexually assaulted by men before, and we know she's a survivor. Another pointless, brutal rape on a show that has been gratuitously full of rapes is not necessary. It's not good storytelling, to just keep terrorizing Sansa and calling it character development. There is nothing brave about this narrative choice. It was lazy and it was shitty. Plain and simple.
It was a better world we lived in, twenty-four hours ago, and I'm going to cling to that world for as long as humanly possible. I don't want to talk about it. Game of Thrones Episodes
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