In honor of the upcoming season finale of Game of Thrones, here's something dumb and fun: Rap Game of Thrones! There are a lot of parallels between the rap game and the game of thrones. Both are about status, power, and influence. Both feature badasses. Both are wildly popular. Both can be brutal, especially for women. And both worlds are populated by some truly great characters. But just because these personalities are compelling and great doesn't mean they're unique. In fact, there are a lot of similarities between the fictional population of Westeros and our own real-life rap charts. Here's how the two worlds match up.
(These comparisons are made based on who the artists are today, both their music and how they are percieved. Today, we'll be focusing on the three big-name families. A round-up of everyone else is coming in the next few days, so stay tuned!)
THE BARATHEONS:
ROBERT BARATHEON is LIL WAYNE
ROBERT BARATHEON is LIL WAYNE
Signature Song: 3Peat
STANNIS BARATHEON is KANYE WEST
It does not take a lot for Melisandre to convince Stannis that, while he's not God, he is certainly something similar. Both Stannis and Yezus have healthy egos and a belief in their own cosmic importance. Neither one has the slightest sense of humor about themselves. Also, they're both brilliant. Stannis is perhaps the greatest military mind of his generation, and Kanye is certainly among the best rappers in his. Ye and Stan also share a fierce sense of justice. When these guys see someone doing something they disagree with, they don't roll their eyes and move on: they take action. Stannis chops off fingers and hangs sentries; Kanye interrupts award shows and live telethons. (After last week, however, it might be worth mentioning: I think Kanye's probably a better person than Stannis, and would never, ever, ever set North on fire for record sales.)
Signature Song: I Am A God
RENLY BARATHEON is DANDY
Renly was charismatic, savvy, snarky, entitled, and capable of real compassion (see: Brienne). He was also gay, but that's really the least of what he and Dandy have in common. Dandy's music crosses boundaries between genres, makes surprising references. It's aggressive and bratty and fun, just like Renly, but many of his lyrics are also smart and socially conscious, aware of the way the hip-hop world treats queer rappers. He's also collaborative, working with great Atlanta producers and collectives, the way Renly collected allies not really through political savvy so much as just recognizing kindred spirits, like Brienne and Loras, and seeing their potential.
Signature Song: Lolito
JOFFREY BARATHEON is CHRIS BROWN
At this point, we're all aware of how Chris Brown treated Rihanna, but he's not doing much better by any of the other women in his life. He's proven himself a cheater, stalker, and harasser of women, as well as an abuser. Joffrey was also a gross creep, to put it lightly. While Joffrey's crimes are certainly more terrible than Brown's, both had careers that were largely unfettered by their treatment of women. Brown still has fans and sells albums and writes songs about how fickle "hoes" are while he fathers children with other women behind his girlfriend's back, and few people ever even attempted to check Joffrey's behavior until Olenna stepped up to save her granddaughter. I'm not saying I hope someone literally poisons Chris Brown, I'm just saying, isn't it time someone stepped up and poisoned his career?
Signature Song: Loyal
TOMMEN BARATHEON is J. COLE
Poor, sweet dope Tommen Baratheon. Both Tommen and J. Cole are tender hearts, and neither have really lived up to their full potential yet, in terms of skill (and I have more hope for Cole than I do for Tommen, if we're being honest), but the real reason is they both have cute, hilarious loss-of-virginity stories.
Signature Song: Wet Dreamz
THE LANNISTERS:
TYWIN LANNISTER is DIDDY
Tywin and Diddy are both savvy businessmen whose greatest talent is knowing who to pay. Diddy notoriously didn't write his own lyrics (even the lyric "don't worry if I write rhymes, I sign checks") and Tywin's biggest victories (Blackwater, the Red Wedding) were shots he only made with great assists. That said, both men got stuff done. They knew who to ally themselves with, where to invest, and how to build an empire.
Signature Song: Bad Boy For Life
JAIME LANNISTER is ICE CUBE
In the 90s, Ice Cube was part of NWA and was one of the scariest guys around. These days? He's playing your beleaguered dad in road-trip comedies. It's a huge 180 on his brand, the kind that audiences experienced with Jaime "Kingslayer" Lannister. When we meet him in season one, he's fucking his sister and defenestrating children and is best known for that time he stabbed a crazy king in the back, the same king he was sworn to protect. In later seasons, we see his softer side. His relationship with Cersei, twisted as it is, clearly means a lot to him. He sacrificed his hand and nearly his life to save Brienne, he went to bat for his brother, and he infiltrated Dorne to save his daughter-niece. These days, Jaime is much more put-upon dad!Cube than he is NWA!Cube, but with both of them, we know both sides are the real thing. Jaime and Ice Cube are both guys who've been through a lot, done some questionable things, can be scary in a brawl, and also just want their kids to pipe down in the backseat and put on reasonable clothing.
Signature Song: Gangsta Rap Made Me Do It
CERSEI LANNISTER is LIL KIM
Lil Kim was once one of the most powerful women in rap. She was talented and smart. She made the necessary connections and fought fiercely for herself and her career. She also put up with a lot of bullshit from the men around her. Kim is a strong person who sometimes acts in ways that give her fans major second-hand embarrassment. She'll pick a fight with anyone. But for those who love her, it's easy to see why she does it. Kim's star has been fading for a long time now, and every time she writes a diss track about Nicki Minaj, that star flares up for another fifteen seconds. After all she's sacrificed for her career, she's desperate to keep it alive. Cersei fans have the same problem. Cersei does some crazy, terrible, dumb things, but she does it all for her children and her family, the one thing she'd sacrifice anything for. Both ladies are bosses in their own rights, but they're still complicated and vulnerable and messy and human.
Signature Song: Come Back For You
TYRION LANNISTER is CHILDISH GAMBINO
For many of the other characters, Tyrion is just the show's comedian. As witty as he is, as talented as he is, as sensitive as he is, it took a long time for people to take him seriously. The same thing happened when Donald Glover started rapping under the alias Childish Gambino. Despite the obvious intelligence and heart of his lyrics, people focused on the humor and his career as an actor and a comic. Many other rappers ignore or dismiss Gambino, just as Tyrion is largely ignored by the big power players, but he's still a force to be reckoned with. Both Tyrion and Childish Gambino are vocal about their love of wine, women and song, and both are genuinely funny, but they're also more than just fun and games. Like Tyrion, Gambino is into experimenting with new things and looking for ways to improve and diversify the genre. These days, Gambino is getting Grammy noms and Tyrion is advising the Mother of Dragons. Both are moving up in the world.
Signature Song: Freaks and Geeks
THE STARKS:
NED STARK is COMMON
Ned Stark was a Good Guy whose main goal, above all else, was Doing The Right Thing. As far as rappers go, you don't get much more Do The Right Thing than Common. As a lyricist, he's intelligent and socially conscious, heartfelt but realistic. Ned will cut off your head if you break your Night's Watch vows, but he'll also hire a swordmaster for his youngest daughter. Common stays out of most of rap's biggest beefs, but you know it's not because he couldn't hold his own. Ned rules over the North and keeps out of the machinations in King's Landing for as long as possible, but proved himself capable in combat during the rebellion. Neither man is anyone to be trifled with.
Signature Song: Kingdom
CATELYN STARK is GANGSTA BOO
Neither Catelyn nor Gangsta Boo get a lot of credit for the work they do. Both of them have strong pedigrees. Catelyn hails from house Tully and Gangsta Boo was a member of Three 6 Mafia. As the only female member, she (like Catelyn) learned early on how to deal with male ego and temper. But Boo also learned how to stick up for herself. When she felt she wasn't getting her share, she left and went solo. Catelyn was also unafraid to go against the men around her when she felt she wasn't getting what she wanted, which, in her case, was the safe return of her daughters. Both women are powerful, confident, and neither of them are gonna take shit from you.
Signature Song: Can I Get Paid
ROBB STARK is KENDRICK LAMAR
Robb inherited his father's strong moral code and his mother's anger. He's a brilliant general and a wildly charismatic figure, but he also follows his heart, even when it negatively impacts his campaign. The King in the North shares a lot of traits with hip-hop's current King in the West, Kendrick Lamar. Like Robb, Kendrick inspires a lot of excitement and loyalty. He's coming out of a region that has taken a backseat to the Midwest and New York in recent years, but he's putting Compton back on the map, just like Robb made the rest of Westeros reconsider the North. Kendrick's own politics are often more personal than strategic. In a time when many artists were putting out protest songs and songs of support for the Black Lives Matter movement, Kendrick released "Blacker the Berry," which some perceived as respectability politics. Obviously, Kendrick's career didn't go the way Robb's did, but they both showed the same bravery in avoiding the popular choice in favor of the one that felt honest.
Signature Song: Sing About Me
JON SNOW is DRAKE
This one's kind of a no-brainer. Both are boys from the North with a lot of woes. Both are sensitive and compassionate, to the point that they're mocked for it. Both started from the bottom (Drake on Degrassi, Jon as the infamous bastard of Ned Stark) now they here (Drizzy as one of the most successful artists in the world, Jon as the Lord Commander of the Night's Watch). Both are also great leaders. Jon is able to shake things up immediately at The Wall and he makes alliances that few others could imagine. Drake has proved himself to have a real ear for talent. With remixes, singles, and features, he's brought international attention to artists like Little Dragon, The Weeknd, PARTYNEXTDOOR, and ILoveMakonnen. He's not afraid to step outside his comfort zone and experiment with something new, as long as that something new is the best thing for everyone. Result: got the club going up on a Tuesday. Both may be punchlines to some, but they're also undeniable forces to be reckoned with. Also, Jon once had a naked lady full-on straddling him and turned her down because he loved another, even though said other love was permanently out of the picture. This has probably also happened to Drake at some point in his life. These guys are loyal dudes who believe in True Love.
Signature Song: Know Yourself
SANSA STARK is CIARA
Poor Sansa. Poor Ciara. Both girls have struggled. No matter how hard they try, they can't seem to win. Both get heavily criticized. Fans of Thrones don't like that Sansa is "passive," "whiny," and "girly," while Ciara draws flack for not writing her own music or having a good voice. The problem with both ladies is that they're compared too often with others in their fields. Sansa isn't Arya, and Ciara isn't Rihanna, but both have talents and virtues of their own. One of Ciara's greatest strengths is also one of Sansa's: both girls are adaptable. Ciara's music has a lot of varied influences and she's changed her style throughout her career just as often as Sansa has changed her hair. Both have a good sense of which direction the wind is blowing. Both ladies have also had some recent guy trouble, but I'd bet Sansa would be willing to swap lives any day of the week. Ciara, for one, has emerged from a bad situation with a positive outlook, a massively upgraded boyfriend, and a decent new single. Let's hope Sansa's story goes the same way.
Signature Song: I'm Out (feat. Nicki Minaj)
ARYA STARK is AZEALIA BANKS
Arya and Azealia are both big on grudges. Both have a rigid sense of justice and are merciless when crossed. One can imagine Banks standing over the wheezing near-corpse of Iggy Azealea's career just as dispassionately as Arya stood over the Hound's. Both are also talented, but not necessarily as speedy as fans would like. We love watching Arya, but her detours away from the main plot seem to last longer and longer every season. Azealia blew everyone away with her debut, "212," and then took several long, long years to actually release a full-length album. In defense of both girls, they were taking the time to get it right. Arya's latest adventures at the House of Black and White have been about acquiring the skills to carry out her revenge, while Azealia delayed until she had the tracks and the team she needed to release the album she intended to create. Neither is afraid of going it alone or being disliked, so long as they feel uncompromised.
Signature Song: Fierce
BRAN STARK is JADEN SMITH
Go to Jaden's Twitter feed. Read it. I bet that is exactly what life is like for Bran under a tree, being taught warging by a root person. Also, of all currently living celebrities, I feel like Jaden and Willow are by far most likely to be wargs.
Signature Song: Offering
ETA: Part Two is now available here! Find out who's Westeros's Beyonce and who's this world's Ramsay Bolton.
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